FUCK WORK

I'm not as depressed as I was like 3 days ago, I'm just pissed about two things: work and Noodle. Work is demanding and time-consuming, and Noodle is a challenge because he's the first adult relationshipy thing I have ever had. I'm not used to all this. But whatever, no biggie.

School (reading stuff) is fine, friends are fine, family is fine, and health is mostly fine. As for my checkups, I'm letting them happen as they will happen. I'm pretty sure I'm fine but if I'm not, I'm prepared for the worst.

I get my wisdom teeth out on Wednesday. UGHHHH. This summer is being so sucky. I also have a ton of college shit to do, fuck. I should go do that.

Oh, and the modeling thing...
Yeah.
At the moment I'm kind of over it. Maybe at the end of the month.

I don't know if I've ever publicly mentioned this on here, but I'm getting a nose job. No clue when, hopefully this December (because that's the only time I can think of that I can do it, either that or August; the chances of it any sooner than Dec though are NIL). My mom is more ok with it than my dad. My dad is the tough one. Me and my therapist are gonna try to convince him that I want it, soon. I want to at least get it before I turn 18. It's a must, I'm sorry, but it is. I know you probably take me for some fake-ass idiot, but I mean, for the most part I'm pretty down with the way I look. I just think this change will really help things.

Anyways, I'm gross, and tired. NIghhtttt.

-H

Today was a long, tiresome, and shitty day. Actually, it was REALLY good until like 7 p.m. tonight. Then work just dragged on and I incited male PMS (a real phenomenon, I tell you!) which COMPLETELY awkwartized the night. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I hate doing that. Men never know how to share their feelings. I had a miniature and embarrassing near-crying experience at work because there was asolutely nothing I could do. It was lame. But earlier I hung out with Lauren and friends at Fash'. Transformers, wowwww. Did NOT get it. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory which was delicious. 

I woke up this morning at 6 with Lizzie and literally could not have been more depressed. Same old shit from the entry below. I need to sort out my priorities and stop taking things for granted, I really do. Because taking things for granted is probably, without a doubt, one of the easiest things to do, with some of the worst side effects. I have a doctor appointment next week, so that'll take care of at least some health issues. I also get my wisdom teeth out on Wednesday. SHIIIT. That'll make seeing Nodle limited. FUCK. I'm angry.

The friend thing is doing better though, and I'm not too worried about school. I'm still trying to just lay back and grow as a person. I struggle, but I keep at it. It's getting easier, and I think I'm fine.People reading this probably think I am the most depressed MFer on the planet, with such a shitty emo life, not true. I go out with friends and party and have funny experiences, I go to school, I work, I travel, I hang with my family, I chill at home, all that shit. I'm normal, I just have more trouble than most people because o my active brain.

~

Funny enough to mention that I thik I have learned a lot about guys these past few days. guys are A LOT like us, they just hate to show it. Thy get butt-hurt and offended over dumb shit, and act intoverted yet sublimely happy and weird to be tough. They also do shit like build themselves up when they feel the most down. The most insecure people--men and women--are often the most conceited. Or rather, narcissistic. I met some idiot last night who continuously bragged about how he was a "stallion" and hooked up with Playmates and has hooked up with Nicole RIchie. While he simultaneously believed I was from England. WHAT AN IDIOT. He treated me like I was some mediocre fool. This is what I mean when I say tht the natural thing is bullshit and goes nowhere. If I were blonde, it would have been a whole different story. Needless to say, I denied this guy and he took it bad enough to publicly announce that he was going to start hitting on my friend. Funny thing is, if I were a guy and that ugly, I probably would have done the same thing. lol. Because I'd be one big insecure idiot.

Hahaha.

I barely have my summer reading done.

I'm losing all my friends.

I work way too much.

I have zero confidence and every little thing someone says only hurts it more and ruins my day.

I'm not fake enough to be in the OC.

Not like those 25+ blondes, so I'm obviously not good enough, right?

I eat terrible food.

Which tastes so good but depresses me.

I hardly sleep at night.

I could have a disease.

I'm sometimes so afraid to be myself.

I'm irresponsible.

I am in an impossible love situation.

Every guy just uses me.

I am a terrible person.

I will never be anything.

I had the worst dream last night. It involved me going to Planned Parenthood and finding out I had HIV. Not just HIV, syphyllis and gonorrhea, too. And when I asked if I had anything else, they said, "we don't know". When I asked if it was true, all they said was, "yeah." I got zero support. I had no friends. I could never find a way to tell my family. I begged for more information as I started to cry. They wouldn't pay attention. The dream felt so real, I even found myself questioning myself within: is this a dream? It was one of the worst experiences ever. I woke up relieved, but scared. This could happen to me, and what if it did? My whole life would be in ruins. My parents wouldn't let me do anything, I'd never find love, people would avoid me, my life would be so much harder than it already is. I pray to God every night that this never happens to me, that I promise I'll be a better person, but in the end all I do is take everything for granted. I hate myself for it. I don't know what my problem is. I'm just depressed. I can't take it.

Ok, so the thing with the guy I somewhat love is just never gonna happen. He hates me and/or is really making an effort to show he's not into me in any way. Which doesn't make much sense because he actually DOES show that he cares when he calls me or answers my calls, but whatever. And I guess since this has been going on for a few days, I won't tolerate it. I'll move on. And I'm patiently waiting for him to react and explode and prove that he does care. I know he does. But even if he doesn't, fuck it. I'm a great girl and I just wanna have fun this summer, not mope around like an old, stressed out bitter lady. I have every right to be HAPPY right now, to smile and do things I want. I know I can leave this love and I fully intend to.

I tried to hang out with Ally last night :/ Goddd she totally doesn't even have a phone. I also got some of my summer reading doen last night. I know, wtf? I haven't partied in forever. I feel like I haven't gone out and done something exciting for the past like two months. Makes sense :/ but it's bullshit and I want it to end.

I have no clue what I'm doing today, most likely just chilling till a busy night at work. Then after, I don't know. Fuckkk. I want to be able to drive.

Till later,

-H

Current Mood: recumbent

Today was interesting.

Hung out with Lauren and saw Knocked Up. All I can say is roffle. That movie was impeccable. But it reminded me of a lot of things :/ I guy who doesn't make enough effort and is really immature with a a woman who is going through a hard time but trying to be mature...hmmm...still hilarious though. A riot.

Yeah, I mean I feel better from last night but not really. It's really unfortunate.

Ali got her wisdom teeth out today. I wanted to see her today but my parents had already driven so much. I had to go to dinner with them so I figured I'd have Laurenyis come along. I missed her to death.

I WANT MY CAR BACK. I figure it'll be soon, but dammit, I miss everyone. I miss the Costa Mesa people, the HB party crew, my Newport hoez, the Long Beach crew, etc. DAMMIT.

Blargggg/ I have nothing else interesting to say at the moment. Love yeh.

-H

Current Mood: hyper

chicka BOW WOW

HEE HEE!

Uhhh, hyper much? I just worked out. And I feel better? Haha. Still sad :/ but hey, I'm not bipolar; these things don't go away that fast.

Changes Being Made to Meh LIFE

-Diet
-Exercise
-Working
-Hangout more
-Not get so angry at parents
-Figure out which colleges to visit
-READ and act enthusiastic about school even though I'm not
-Lose a few pounds/make my legs look sexeh

I'm gonna go get ready for work now. And then afterwards I'm either gonna get a decent night's sleep or hang with Tash. And then tomorrow I have a full day with LAUREN! YAY!

Haha peacey. :>

-H

Current Mood: energetic

I've done a lot of wasteful things this summer, including the stupidest thing you could possibly do which is fall in love with the wrong person. Well, maybe not the best kind of love, but like an infatuation-tinged love that's based on how fucking much you care about a person. A person who really can't comprehend anything you're saying because they probably just don't care as they sit back and bring out the worst in you. Theoretically, I am a generally intelligent, pragmatic, uh SANE, nice, loving, happy-seeming, strong person. No not here; not at all. Around him I can never be happy until he starts acting super-sensitive around me and stays here or some bullshit. But he is who he is and there's nothing wrong with that so I'm just stopping. I'm stopping because it's really destroyed the pas 2 months of my life. I've never been more depressed or not myself. I lash out at everyone and I look in the mirror and feel like punching it because I'm so hideous. That's nothing like me, even if I am an intense person. And yeah teenage shit/PMS/the car thing/the grades thing has something to do with it but it's him. I keep him so closely in my life because I have these unrealistic fantasies that he's just gonna call me one day and say how much he likes me or loves me and will come pick me up and hug and kiss me all over and smile at me. And that's just gay. That won't happen. It can't happen, because he thinks I'm a psycho, a permanently PMSing bitch with problems. And no person or event will ever convince him otherwise so I just can't do this anymore because he'll never follow through. He'll say he'll put in effort and then doesn't. Not the kind of effort I want. I wish he'd be more affectionate with me. I wish he'd love me. It's not gonna happen. Ever. I have so much in life, I am so lucky, maybe it's time I do something with that.

If there's any advice I can offer to the reader, is that liking people who are bad for you is one of the easiest yet most stupid mistakes one can make. I'm serious when I say it severely impacts your life. You have no idea. Or...maybe you do but see it's not worth it, yeah?

I'm going to the gym today. After like 3 years ahahaha. It'll make me feel better and then I have work :/ and then afterwards I don't know. I just wanna feel good and beautiful about myself.

Current Mood: crushed

lol.

I ended up with a 2.98 to end out my junior year. A TWO POINT NINE EIGHT; FUCK. Do you have any idea how close that is to a 3.0? but since my ninth grade year doesn't dount, I think my cumulative will be like a 3.0 yayyyy.

It is Father's Day today, and I intend to make this day good for my dad. He deserves it. I'd shoot myself raising 7 kids. And I didn't realize it until now, but I truly appreciate him not spoling any of us. He preaches good values because he wants us to go somewhere in life. But as long as we're happy he is. I don't know. He's like the perfect dad. Even his mistakes make him perfect.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom too. We're just very different. However, me and both my parents fight. It's just part of right now.

So, at the moment, I'd compare my menstrual pain to impending childbirth. Thankfully not as bad as wrenching chlildbirth or even in-between contraction pain. But still shitty. Did I mention I'm changing up my diet? I figure it'll help with my "depression".

Ha. depression. Apparently I have "made that up" because I've "been tested by a clinical psychologist from UCLA". Oh OKAY. So post-partum is inherent, yes? So there's no such thing as DEVELOPING condition, really?

Oh, OKAY.

I mean I'm not a nutcase, but there's definately a chemical thing going on right now making me fatigued and bored with life. It's fuckin' SUMMER, dude. I need to get past that bullshit, school bullshit, and deal with the fact I'm falling in love with the wrong person. And MOVE past this. Maybe Mom was right. Exercising and eating right will change your life completely.

I worked 5 days this week :] and one day last week, I have at least 200. YESSSS. And then when I go to work next Erik the Bartender who loves me can entertain me. YESSS. And I don't even work until Tuesday so I get to see Payam and other friends. YYYEYYEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

I miss Allix. AND I FUCKING MISS LAUREN, WHAT THE FUCK?!??!!?!? AND LIZZIE?!?!?!????!!

Haha.

Lata'.

-H

Current Mood: amused

Truly I think there are some people who LITERALLY confuse the piss outta me. But I'm going to accept that because it's life. Sometimes there are a lot of unknowns. I can't solve every problem.

I have used my brute strength to pick up the train that is my life and put it on a different track in the complete opposite direction of where it was once headed. Life is way too short to not exercise, to mope, to sleep your days away. I'm moving back to positivity, or trying at least.

Tomorrow I will go to the gym and then to work. And someone will either make the biggest effort of their life tomorrow, or will never know the amazing me. Yeah.

-H

Current Mood: content

I should definately come out as a lesbian soon, because I just don't know how much more of this I can take. Am I an idiot? Have I gone completely insane? Months of "no shit from any[guy]" have dissolved. I am subservient. I am a sane, genius individual who can be overtaken because I allow to happen. But why allow myself to go through this proverbial rollercoaster? It's my compassion. It speaks for me. You show me that you have the slightest bit of compassion for me, and I don't know what else to do...I'll probably let you in. If anything I'm weak right now. It's a hard time. In such a wonderful life.

Current Mood: drained