A survey and analysis of my crazy life

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 06:17:04 GMT

FUCK WORK

I'm not as depressed as I was like 3 days ago, I'm just pissed about two things: work and Noodle. Work is demanding and time-consuming, and Noodle is a challenge because he's the first adult relationshipy thing I have ever had. I'm not used to all this. But whatever, no biggie.

School (reading stuff) is fine, friends are fine, family is fine, and health is mostly fine. As for my checkups, I'm letting them happen as they will happen. I'm pretty sure I'm fine but if I'm not, I'm prepared for the worst.

I get my wisdom teeth out on Wednesday. UGHHHH. This summer is being so sucky. I also have a ton of college shit to do, fuck. I should go do that.

Oh, and the modeling thing...
Yeah.
At the moment I'm kind of over it. Maybe at the end of the month.

I don't know if I've ever publicly mentioned this on here, but I'm getting a nose job. No clue when, hopefully this December (because that's the only time I can think of that I can do it, either that or August; the chances of it any sooner than Dec though are NIL). My mom is more ok with it than my dad. My dad is the tough one. Me and my therapist are gonna try to convince him that I want it, soon. I want to at least get it before I turn 18. It's a must, I'm sorry, but it is. I know you probably take me for some fake-ass idiot, but I mean, for the most part I'm pretty down with the way I look. I just think this change will really help things.

Anyways, I'm gross, and tired. NIghhtttt.

-H

I still feel terrible

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 05:40:32 GMT

Today was a long, tiresome, and shitty day. Actually, it was REALLY good until like 7 p.m. tonight. Then work just dragged on and I incited male PMS (a real phenomenon, I tell you!) which COMPLETELY awkwartized the night. UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I hate doing that. Men never know how to share their feelings. I had a miniature and embarrassing near-crying experience at work because there was asolutely nothing I could do. It was lame. But earlier I hung out with Lauren and friends at Fash'. Transformers, wowwww. Did NOT get it. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory which was delicious.

I woke up this morning at 6 with Lizzie and literally could not have been more depressed. Same old shit from the entry below. I need to sort out my priorities and stop taking things for granted, I really do. Because taking things for granted is probably, without a doubt, one of the easiest things to do, with some of the worst side effects. I have a doctor appointment next week, so that'll take care of at least some health issues. I also get my wisdom teeth out on Wednesday. SHIIIT. That'll make seeing Nodle limited. FUCK. I'm angry.

The friend thing is doing better though, and I'm not too worried about school. I'm still trying to just lay back and grow as a person. I struggle, but I keep at it. It's getting easier, and I think I'm fine.People reading this probably think I am the most depressed MFer on the planet, with such a shitty emo life, not true. I go out with friends and party and have funny experiences, I go to school, I work, I travel, I hang with my family, I chill at home, all that shit. I'm normal, I just have more trouble than most people because o my active brain.

~

Funny enough to mention that I thik I have learned a lot about guys these past few days. guys are A LOT like us, they just hate to show it. Thy get butt-hurt and offended over dumb shit, and act intoverted yet sublimely happy and weird to be tough. They also do shit like build themselves up when they feel the most down. The most insecure people--men and women--are often the most conceited. Or rather, narcissistic. I met some idiot last night who continuously bragged about how he was a "stallion" and hooked up with Playmates and has hooked up with Nicole RIchie. While he simultaneously believed I was from England. WHAT AN IDIOT. He treated me like I was some mediocre fool. This is what I mean when I say tht the natural thing is bullshit and goes nowhere. If I were blonde, it would have been a whole different story. Needless to say, I denied this guy and he took it bad enough to publicly announce that he was going to start hitting on my friend. Funny thing is, if I were a guy and that ugly, I probably would have done the same thing. lol. Because I'd be one big insecure idiot.

Hahaha.

I feel terrible.

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 11:12:46 GMT

I barely have my summer reading done.

I'm losing all my friends.

I work way too much.

I have zero confidence and every little thing someone says only hurts it more and ruins my day.

I'm not fake enough to be in the OC.

Not like those 25+ blondes, so I'm obviously not good enough, right?

I eat terrible food.

Which tastes so good but depresses me.

I hardly sleep at night.

I could have a disease.

I'm sometimes so afraid to be myself.

I'm irresponsible.

I am in an impossible love situation.

Every guy just uses me.

I am a terrible person.

I will never be anything.

I had the worst dream last night. It involved me going to Planned Parenthood and finding out I had HIV. Not just HIV, syphyllis and gonorrhea, too. And when I asked if I had anything else, they said, "we don't know". When I asked if it was true, all they said was, "yeah." I got zero support. I had no friends. I could never find a way to tell my family. I begged for more information as I started to cry. They wouldn't pay attention. The dream felt so real, I even found myself questioning myself within: is this a dream? It was one of the worst experiences ever. I woke up relieved, but scared. This could happen to me, and what if it did? My whole life would be in ruins. My parents wouldn't let me do anything, I'd never find love, people would avoid me, my life would be so much harder than it already is. I pray to God every night that this never happens to me, that I promise I'll be a better person, but in the end all I do is take everything for granted. I hate myself for it. I don't know what my problem is. I'm just depressed. I can't take it.

Things could be worse I suppose

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 18:12:01 GMT

Ok, so the thing with the guy I somewhat love is just never gonna happen. He hates me and/or is really making an effort to show he's not into me in any way. Which doesn't make much sense because he actually DOES show that he cares when he calls me or answers my calls, but whatever. And I guess since this has been going on for a few days, I won't tolerate it. I'll move on. And I'm patiently waiting for him to react and explode and prove that he does care. I know he does. But even if he doesn't, fuck it. I'm a great girl and I just wanna have fun this summer, not mope around like an old, stressed out bitter lady. I have every right to be HAPPY right now, to smile and do things I want. I know I can leave this love and I fully intend to.

I tried to hang out with Ally last night :/ Goddd she totally doesn't even have a phone. I also got some of my summer reading doen last night. I know, wtf? I haven't partied in forever. I feel like I haven't gone out and done something exciting for the past like two months. Makes sense :/ but it's bullshit and I want it to end.

I have no clue what I'm doing today, most likely just chilling till a busy night at work. Then after, I don't know. Fuckkk. I want to be able to drive.

Till later,

-H

P. Diddy is a stoner

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 03:12:33 GMT

Today was interesting.

Hung out with Lauren and saw Knocked Up. All I can say is roffle. That movie was impeccable. But it reminded me of a lot of things :/ I guy who doesn't make enough effort and is really immature with a a woman who is going through a hard time but trying to be mature...hmmm...still hilarious though. A riot.

Yeah, I mean I feel better from last night but not really. It's really unfortunate.

Ali got her wisdom teeth out today. I wanted to see her today but my parents had already driven so much. I had to go to dinner with them so I figured I'd have Laurenyis come along. I missed her to death.

I WANT MY CAR BACK. I figure it'll be soon, but dammit, I miss everyone. I miss the Costa Mesa people, the HB party crew, my Newport hoez, the Long Beach crew, etc. DAMMIT.

Blargggg/ I have nothing else interesting to say at the moment. Love yeh.

-H

Bow

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 22:22:40 GMT

chicka BOW WOW

HEE HEE!

Uhhh, hyper much? I just worked out. And I feel better? Haha. Still sad :/ but hey, I'm not bipolar; these things don't go away that fast.

Changes Being Made to Meh LIFE

-Diet
-Exercise
-Working
-Hangout more
-Not get so angry at parents
-Figure out which colleges to visit
-READ and act enthusiastic about school even though I'm not
-Lose a few pounds/make my legs look sexeh

I'm gonna go get ready for work now. And then afterwards I'm either gonna get a decent night's sleep or hang with Tash. And then tomorrow I have a full day with LAUREN! YAY!

Haha peacey. :>

-H

I think I woke up crying?

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 18:38:22 GMT

I've done a lot of wasteful things this summer, including the stupidest thing you could possibly do which is fall in love with the wrong person. Well, maybe not the best kind of love, but like an infatuation-tinged love that's based on how fucking much you care about a person. A person who really can't comprehend anything you're saying because they probably just don't care as they sit back and bring out the worst in you. Theoretically, I am a generally intelligent, pragmatic, uh SANE, nice, loving, happy-seeming, strong person. No not here; not at all. Around him I can never be happy until he starts acting super-sensitive around me and stays here or some bullshit. But he is who he is and there's nothing wrong with that so I'm just stopping. I'm stopping because it's really destroyed the pas 2 months of my life. I've never been more depressed or not myself. I lash out at everyone and I look in the mirror and feel like punching it because I'm so hideous. That's nothing like me, even if I am an intense person. And yeah teenage shit/PMS/the car thing/the grades thing has something to do with it but it's him. I keep him so closely in my life because I have these unrealistic fantasies that he's just gonna call me one day and say how much he likes me or loves me and will come pick me up and hug and kiss me all over and smile at me. And that's just gay. That won't happen. It can't happen, because he thinks I'm a psycho, a permanently PMSing bitch with problems. And no person or event will ever convince him otherwise so I just can't do this anymore because he'll never follow through. He'll say he'll put in effort and then doesn't. Not the kind of effort I want. I wish he'd be more affectionate with me. I wish he'd love me. It's not gonna happen. Ever. I have so much in life, I am so lucky, maybe it's time I do something with that.

If there's any advice I can offer to the reader, is that liking people who are bad for you is one of the easiest yet most stupid mistakes one can make. I'm serious when I say it severely impacts your life. You have no idea. Or...maybe you do but see it's not worth it, yeah?

I'm going to the gym today. After like 3 years ahahaha. It'll make me feel better and then I have work :/ and then afterwards I don't know. I just wanna feel good and beautiful about myself.

Hey big boy. HEYY.

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 18:35:04 GMT

lol.

I ended up with a 2.98 to end out my junior year. A TWO POINT NINE EIGHT; FUCK. Do you have any idea how close that is to a 3.0? but since my ninth grade year doesn't dount, I think my cumulative will be like a 3.0 yayyyy.

It is Father's Day today, and I intend to make this day good for my dad. He deserves it. I'd shoot myself raising 7 kids. And I didn't realize it until now, but I truly appreciate him not spoling any of us. He preaches good values because he wants us to go somewhere in life. But as long as we're happy he is. I don't know. He's like the perfect dad. Even his mistakes make him perfect.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom too. We're just very different. However, me and both my parents fight. It's just part of right now.

So, at the moment, I'd compare my menstrual pain to impending childbirth. Thankfully not as bad as wrenching chlildbirth or even in-between contraction pain. But still shitty. Did I mention I'm changing up my diet? I figure it'll help with my "depression".

Ha. depression. Apparently I have "made that up" because I've "been tested by a clinical psychologist from UCLA". Oh OKAY. So post-partum is inherent, yes? So there's no such thing as DEVELOPING condition, really?

Oh, OKAY.

I mean I'm not a nutcase, but there's definately a chemical thing going on right now making me fatigued and bored with life. It's fuckin' SUMMER, dude. I need to get past that bullshit, school bullshit, and deal with the fact I'm falling in love with the wrong person. And MOVE past this. Maybe Mom was right. Exercising and eating right will change your life completely.

I worked 5 days this week :] and one day last week, I have at least 200. YESSSS. And then when I go to work next Erik the Bartender who loves me can entertain me. YESSS. And I don't even work until Tuesday so I get to see Payam and other friends. YYYEYYEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

I miss Allix. AND I FUCKING MISS LAUREN, WHAT THE FUCK?!??!!?!? AND LIZZIE?!?!?!????!!

Haha.

Lata'.

-H

Interesting

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 06:16:54 GMT

Truly I think there are some people who LITERALLY confuse the piss outta me. But I'm going to accept that because it's life. Sometimes there are a lot of unknowns. I can't solve every problem.

I have used my brute strength to pick up the train that is my life and put it on a different track in the complete opposite direction of where it was once headed. Life is way too short to not exercise, to mope, to sleep your days away. I'm moving back to positivity, or trying at least.

Tomorrow I will go to the gym and then to work. And someone will either make the biggest effort of their life tomorrow, or will never know the amazing me. Yeah.

-H

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 20:09:41 GMT

I should definately come out as a lesbian soon, because I just don't know how much more of this I can take. Am I an idiot? Have I gone completely insane? Months of "no shit from any[guy]" have dissolved. I am subservient. I am a sane, genius individual who can be overtaken because I allow to happen. But why allow myself to go through this proverbial rollercoaster? It's my compassion. It speaks for me. You show me that you have the slightest bit of compassion for me, and I don't know what else to do...I'll probably let you in. If anything I'm weak right now. It's a hard time. In such a wonderful life.

It is also ironic

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 20:18:49 GMT

when you have a person who is your equal available to you--literally RIGHT THERE--but the person who causes you the most pain is standing right in front of your mind.

My proverbial glass must be half empty.

-H

I'm the kind of girl who

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 20:15:55 GMT

is only really sexually attracted to the people she likes.

Yet this confusion won't go away. It's never the same on the other side; it never will be.

I hate liking someone who doesn't appreciate you but is nonetheless impossible to get over. You wanna be there for that persons every strife and with every passing day you grow more attached and more willing to sacrifice yourself. After being strong for such a long time, I wonder why this process is starting again. This person can have such an impact on me, more than anyone in the world. But they'll never know the real me. That's the best way I can describe it. They just won't. I feel like I'll eventually love them someday.

FUCK. I hate this.

I have work today :) and I am with my dad for the next few days, sweet. I love my dad. I just want to see my friends and have fun this week/weekend. I want to ge tout of this depressed state.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 09:35:40 GMT

CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK

WHY, HALEY, WHY.

WHY do I act like such an idiot? It's 2:30 a.m., have I not better things to do like sleep? Maybe at least put my intelligence to good use by engineering a more efficient way to generate light? I DON'T KNOW...anything, anyYYYYTHiinggg!!!!

I swear to God, I need more things to fill out my day. I need to fulfill my modeling passion. Create art again. SOMETHING. Because everytime I'm pissed, I can't keep it out. Sometimes, I'll just be spitting angry. I'll be jealous. I'll be insecure. NOTHING CAN SATISFY THIS. ANd I'm tired of it. I am a problem solver and there has got to be another way to solve this insecurity problem. After everything I've tried I can at least try a few more times. However many times it takes. Because I don't care if it's infrequent, it's RIDICULOUS. I'M ridiculous. I only feel more pathetic than I do when I'm complaining about petty looks. For some reason, they're everything to me sometimes. And when someone says SHE'S pretty, I flip a bitch a play the comparison game.

I have no idea what else to say about this, but I am so MAD at my self.
SO MAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BLALHH!H@G#@G!!!!!!!!!

I can't smell anything

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 18:20:35 GMT

That would be because of my cold.

So, I took daytime cold medicine last night because I couldn't find one with a built-in sleep aid. I ended up FINDING Tylenol PM and taking that too. Then I felt like an ass when I stumbled upon a cold medicine that had it all built into one. Hahah. Basically.

But I'm feeling better, now, I guess. I have to go turn in some of my job applications later today. My two top choices are Sprinkles Cupcakes and Starbucks. Both seem like fun, interesting jobs and places where a lot of people would come...sweet. I just really need a job soon, though.

Later on I'm also gonna hang out with Payam, I like Payam :] He is funny and I swear I am going to look GOOD this time...I swear.

The issue that occurred the night before last still plagues me a bit. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, it's basically the classic "sold-out" situation, where a guy I'm interested in and...another girl... yeah, I won't go any further, you get what I'm saying. I just can't get over it, because I feel ike he's basically STAYING here for here, when I thought he was moving. I have everything to offer--looks, sense of humor, kindness, stability, a caring heart, a positive attitude, extreme intelligence...come on! Come the fuck on! So I don't like being pissed off and I'm a little insecure! Is that that big of a deal? I'm a completely normal person it's just that sometimes people bring out the worst in me. It's not everyone. It's certain type of people that do it. He's one of them. Not that it's that bad of a thing, but if I develop issues with this person, it is.

BLEGGGHH.

I shouldn't be worrying about this, he likes HER, not me. I'm over it. I have plenty of other options. I wish it was that easy. My insecurity just kicks in when I find out this stuff.

>:|

I'm hungry and my nose is plugged. Later.

-H

UGHHH

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 16:20:54 GMT

SO PISSED OFF AT THAT IDIOT WHO JUST SENT ME A MESSAGE SAYING:

"I can do better but I was just giving you a shot"

What the hell? Yeah, a horny 20-year-old who obsesses over 17-year-old girls on MySpace. And is creepy. Can do better than me? Oh, hardly. He was lucky to even be SPEAKING TO ME. What an idiot. What a fucking idiot.

But I seriously feel like screaming my lungs out! It just pisses me off that someone has the nerve to actually say that to me! Dammit! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

But I'm actually not going to take it out on anyone. I don't feel the need. I'm just going to deal with my problems. His guy pathetic and insecure. But I am toooo no no no nooooo :( this pisses me off...awwww maaaaan.

Ok so better news...I'm up early! I get to go job hunting today, then I have to finish cleaning out my room, then I have to take my car in to get fixed (FUCKIN FINALLY) and then possibly have to go hit the gym. I need to work off all this anger grrrr.

I'll update later with more substance. Peaaaceee

Life is improving

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 01:31:10 GMT

I slept most of the earlier part of the day and had a dream about my ex, James. My dream was that for some reason, I decided to have him pick me up late one night and he was gonna later take me to my friend, Chrissy's. I got in the car and he was telling me that we were gonna have sex. I went along with it because I knew I could get out of it later. But when I told him I wanted to go to Chrissy's early he got angry. He got so angry that he said if I spoke another word about that "shit", he would stab me through the throat. He picked up a long, sharp pair of surgical scissors and said either his dick would be down there or they would.

We passed by some raging party and some semi-attractive but ridiculously drunk brunette comes out to the car and begs James to come inside and pulls him. James, an idiot, follows. I took the opportunity to run out of the car and call Chrissy. I told her I was in trouble and she said that I could find Mrs. Gregory to take me. I called Mrs. Gregory and she said she was on her way, but my phone was close to dying. I ran into Miss Jansma and attempted to tell her that I needed a ride to my friend's house, but then my phone died and I had no way of contacting anyone. James could have been anywhere. I was alone. The dream ended.

It felt so real and was really intense...I hated it. It mostly just reconfirms how disgusting I think James is. It's been almost two years since we dated, but I get the feeling that he hasn't changed much. He's 21 now. He still wants things from me...I was smart enough to stay as far away as possible.

Anyways, my throat hurts, but overall I'm just glad that that dream was not real. I am also on summer and am approaching having my driving privileges renewed! Stokeeedddd.

I kind of need to go, but I'll return.

Duh.

-H

I guess you can say it's a bad time for me

Tue, 29 May 2007 17:58:30 GMT

My impending jealousy for a close friend. My growing dislike for a couple certain aspects of my body. My discomfort as a brunette. I don't know, it all just sucks.

Recently I decided to pride myself on looking more "natural"--something that I would have laughed hysterically at 4 months ago, when my blonde hair, fake nails, and full face of makeup were my hallmarks. Nowadays, I have my natural dark hair, I barely have the patience for acrylics anymore, and my makeup has gone down cosiderably. I for some reason feel like I'm not exactly being myself. I liked the "fake" me, the me who felt hot and comfortable around guys she liked. I felt so sexy. But I just feel like all my sexiness has been stripped away.

I am very insecure with myself and it's a huge problem. I just wish it was easier for me to handle. It's a very difficult time and I just want to feel like I'm gorgeous and beautiful and wanted.

Last to him

Sun, 27 May 2007 19:14:18 GMT

You're so goddamn confusing. You're fake, you're outspoken, yet introverted. You can't handle your feelings. I definately don't know you well enough. You suddenly cause something in my life. But you're moving away so I don' t have to deal with it. Not anymore. I liked you but no more. I have made a mistake. You're not innocent. Why don't you just tell me exactly how you feel. You could have said no, too. You shouldn't have pushed it. In a way you caused it. I'm not innocent, but I'm not perfect. I was just trying to own up to my mistakes. Be honest. You can't handle the emotions of a woman. We're not insane. We're just more intune with our emotions. And you? Are you? No. I can answer a no to that. And if you ask to come back in, I will resonate. No. No. No. This is my last emotional tribute to you because there will be a day so soon where I won't take it. I can't take it and I won't. So now I'm taking a minute or two to tell you: it's done.

I truly wish he'd understand

Sat, 26 May 2007 20:48:30 GMT

who I REALLY am.

I'm not just some typical, mediocre, inexperienced, immature, inhumane IDIOT. I have gone through a lot in my life and that has honestly shaped who I am. I am honest, confident, and mature. I have my ups and downs as I am still a teenager, but all I want to do is grow into an amazing adult, have a fulfilling life, be a good person who is beneficial to the world and find someone to share my life with.

I know I am VERY emotional, and I've gotten good at controlling it. But sometimes I control it too much when I want a guy to think I'm so nonchalant about something. Because guys don't like to share their real feelungs a lot. It is so lame, but so true.

Another thing is, since I've dealt with so many assholes, it's sometimes hard for me to believe that a guy is actually sweet/means it. It's easy to think that if you deal with what I have to deal with. And you observe like me. It just doesn't seem like any guy wants a relationship.

I'm so...lost.

I just want things to get better.

The end is near!

Wed, 23 May 2007 23:47:42 GMT

Seriously! Two more days of school, then finals for three days (easy), and then a coule-hour convocation two weeks from Friday. Not oo much to ask. I'm feeling alright about all this. I have been driving with my parents a LOT lately as well, so I hope that I can be driving along again soon.

I have an interesting weekend ahead of me. It probably won't be as crazy as usual, but I mean I do have to study pretty hard. I need to get my grades up, most definately. I still haven't turned in that French homework...should I do that? Probably...

I'll do it. And ace my portfolio. Yessss.

Wow, how stupid, all I really have to talk about is school. I still don't like anyone, and Allix is still being a dick. He won't answer ANY of my texts, but for some reason can comment me once. What the shit, I'm sorry. It's just so lame.

Soooo lamee.

I am fully prepared for a lazy summer and some BOMB vacations. And I will remain single all summer. Yes. Yes. It is my second to last summer as a confined teenager! Christ!

Updates later.

-H

I'm amazed at how fast I got rid of him.

Sat, 19 May 2007 16:59:13 GMT

I mean, at the end of February/Beginning of March I totally liked Sprinkle (Shawn). I fell for him too fast and now I haven't talked to him since I randomly saw him at the end of April at that bonfire. He has an ugly like interest right now and I really could care less. For the exception of his last girlfriend, every girl I've ever heard of him/seen him go after has been completely hideous. And a bitch. Or just plain stupid. Or all three. Plus more.

I don't care though, I really don't.

I just don't see why him and a bunch of other guys are so STUPID.

Like Allix not talking to me. What the fuck is that shit. I swear to God, I know he's in a unfortunate situation because of me, but for Christ's sake, it's not my fault!

All I'm saying is that guys have mental issues. They have trouble connecting reality. That's right, you guys have trouble being realistic, not me.

Ohhhh, and as for whether I want a boyfriend right now, honestly, fuck it. I mean, I would LOVE to be in a happy, healthy, functioning, adult relationship, but no guy can offer that right now. That's fine. It's unfair to me, but it's fine, right?

-H

New Lessons

Sat, 19 May 2007 16:50:40 GMT

I guess I learned a while ago that drinking and drugs are not the answer to your problems. I never really saw it that way, actually. I always perceived alcohol as something that just worsened your life, usually. I don't know. Call me a pussy or whatever, I just don't feel like it's a necessary substance. At least not at this age.

I woke up this morning at 7 a.m. feeling completely fine despite a dramatic night with Ali and watching 2 and a half full movies last night. Dirty Love is an amazing movie. Carmen Electra and Jenny McCarthy like, completely encompass my weirdness. It's wonderful.

I plan to make the rest of this weekend amazing.
I look tan and I am STOKED.

I am currently growing more proud of myself with every passing day because I don't feel the need to poison my life with negativity and repeated mistakes. I'm just having a lot of fun.

This still blows.

Fri, 18 May 2007 19:01:51 GMT

One more week of school, finals, one day of commitment for goddamn awards and yearbook shit. STOKED. Undoubtedly. I cannot wait to have some distinct equilibrium to my life (no pun intended considering I am now sans AP Chem :D) instead of having on my (negative) energy focused on school and health drama. The school thing is over and the health drama is being taken care of little by little. I'm just trying to be positive. I feel fine and life is good.

Car news hasn't progressed much. I want to be driving asap. I might not have my own car for a while...that stresses me out.

The bad piece of news is that Chloe is leaving. :( what the hell! She can't leave. Not for a place where 25% of the girls are pregnant and 60% of the guys are fucking sexy as hell. No. She can't! But she is, either that or boarding school. Next year is going to be awkward. Blah.

The reason I'm so pissy is because of my cramps. I am sitting in my bed DYING; I can't stand periods. There's no fucking point to having your period before you're like 25. We aren't ready to have kids. God should know this. And even if teenage girls WERE ready (or were kinda obliged to be ready) in like, the Middle Ages, it just proves that evolution is a retarded theory and God is in control of this shit. If evolution were real, our bodies would have caught up to the rising life expectancy, and since we could have kids when we were READY at 25-30, we would get our periods around then. But no. God has kept periods in our lives while we're this young because he rightfully wants us to know the consequences of sex. Sex can fuck up your life, and he doesn't think enough people know it. So, for he stupid people (for everyone just in case), he has kept the period as a perpetual part of being a teenager, from Day 1 of the world, to always and forever remind us of the worst STD you could possibly get at this age. PREGNANCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Haha. Got that from South Park...what a surprise?

I'm off to make love to the heating pad for the next 4 hours. Peace.

-H

mondays entry...din't know what happened.

Fri, 18 May 2007 18:49:44 GMT

I'm sitting in English class...just chillin'. I am supposed to be writing two pieces on who I am as a reader and writer. I want to but I simultaneously feel like writing down my feelings at the moment.

At this SPECIFIC moment, I am concerning myself mostly with the fact that I rarely consult my teachers for extra help or advice or for extra help on my work. I wonder if it will affect me. Oh well. Maybe I should ask Mrs. Alvarez if my methapor is functional to my portfolio project. Oh yeah, I didn't really explain that. I basically wrote the following poem modeled after the Poem "Child of the Americas" by Aurora Levins Morales:

With every passing day

Something spontaneous and new will arise

I can always express myself as a moment but not as a whole

Who am I?

I live among wealth and sunshine

Smiling faces of every color

America,

Who am I?

Youth’s passing erodes my uncertainty

Like a sculptor and his pick

But I am a work incomplete

Void of sanded curves

Or definite ridges

Sharp enough to trip the air in its meandering

No, I am

Incomplete

I know not of where I came from

The mariners of Iberia,

The frosted mountains of Bavaria,

The lush vistas of the old Celtic land

Yes

But who were my parents

What did I come from?

Why does my body often curl?

Fret

Over what is not in existence?

Or is it different than that?

I may never know

And so it is my turn

My job

To define myself

To take my own pick

And allow

Time

Time in this country of prosperity and opportunity

Of wealth and sunshine

Where smiling faces of every color

Can take their own pick

But we are all sculptures of soft clay

For we can always change

In any way

Shape

Form

And there will be a day when we may let ourselves dry into permanency

Until then

We are unfinished sculptures

We are unwritten stories

We are unsung songs

I am an unfinished sculpture

I am change in motion

Living in the Land of Opportunity

I am change in motion

So anyways yeah...it's supposed to follow the theme of "Who am I as an American" and has to have some cheesy methapor to go along with it. It's bullshit. SHE'S bullshit. I unwillingly chose the sculpture metaphor and called it a change in motion. Whatever, fuck it. It's all bad, I'll get like, a B or B+, she hates me, I'm over it. Only about 5 more English classes left.Only 5 more of EVERY class left.

So, school is just blah. I'm actually kind of excited. I mean...it's so soon! The end is so near! Yussss...it's wonderful.

Unhappy Mother's Day

Mon, 14 May 2007 01:33:54 GMT

Bleh. Mixed feelings about this weekend.

I pretty much spent the whole time with Ali. That was very fun. I love her so much but sometimes I can just be such a bitch. I felt horrible about doing so. Forexample, I was very tired Friday night and did not feel like going out. she really wanted to at least do SOMETHING. She was in a bad mood because a) Joey hadn't called her and b) Sam's party that we were going to attend was not running smoothly and we therefore couldn't go. Se kind of yelled at me and I retaliated with bitchiness. But when we made up it was fine, because we watched movies and got a pretty good night's sleep (:

The next day we went to my house and again I was bitchy for a little bit. But then we got primped up and went out. Let me tell you that was VERY interesting. Hanging around with Emerald Bay people until late. We slept in till like 9, ate breakfast, then went back to sleep. I had the worst dream in the world about people trying to chase me down and kill me. It was terrible and went I had awaken I had never felt more depressed or tired. I always have bad dreams. And they depress me.

But anyways I had a lot of fun with Ali, and on Saturday night definately. I love Ali so much. I just want her to know that.

As for other things, AP Chem test on Tuesday yayyy! School is winding down. That's the good news...

The bad news is is that I'm pretty much losing a couple people from my likfe for a pretty immature reason. I always just try to be there for people. I always try to handle situations the right way. I hate how no one is ever at the same maturity level as me that is male.

Going out tonight could mean the end of my summer. So I don't really know what to do.
And for the record, I feel REALLY bad fopr my mom. It seems like every Mother's Day just sucks for her. It really adds to the shittiness.